Posted by B. Jemas on August 15, 2001 at 11:59:15:
Hi, fans (or, as we like to call you round here, sad no-life dateless fanboyz)! Bill Jemas, Saviour of the Comics Industry (TM) here with a message of hope and goodwill.
Now you might be asking yourselves why someone as all-important as me might be posting such an important message on a pissant little unlicensed fanboard like yours, but hey, I figure even you guys deserve a little thrill. Hell, that's why we're publishing Marvel MAX, with free Kleenex in every issue. And since you guys just don't seem to get how lucky you are to be allowed to buy my comics I figured I'd take some time to make it real clear.
Short history of comics: I invented them. Up to my time sure there were some crap dire products we called comics, but until I was able to reinvent them with my unparalleled genius they were just some bozo ideas from shlocks like Lee, Kirby, Ditko etc. Sure they sold like hot cakes, were beloved by generations etc., but were they kewl (TM), cutting edge (TM), and kewl (tm)? I'll be explaining this in more detail in my upcoming Ultimate Jemas title, where I get to shack up with Jean Grey and Electra, with Power Man as my houseboy, and have hot adventures insulting retailers and readers.
But that's not important right now (retailers and readers, I mean). What matters is me, and how I saved comics. Right from the start it was clear that a lot of the old stuff had to go. Continuity is a real bore for fans. Who wants to know what happened on the last page? Let's make this page kewl, relevant and cutting edge, with a big name writer going to the online press explaining how he's going to set right the stuff those hacks like Kirby f*cked up.
See the problem is fans. They don't know what they want. They need to be told they're cretins, because they don't even know that. They think they like stuff that I don't like. They buy comics even when I haven't marketed them as kewl(TM), just because they have stuff like story and character and art and quality. Well buddy, quality is killing the comic book industry (that and retailers trying to sell stuff). Fortunately, we've managed to weed most of the fans out now, so we won't have that problem for much longer.
Anyway, I hope you geeks can realise now how lucky you are to be living in the Jemas age. I know I do. I know I'm not a pencil-dick no talent dweeb who was constantly having his underoos tied over his head at school and who is so desperate to keep my job that I'll say anything so people don't forget about me or recognise that I'm a talentless nobody trying to play with the big boys. Really. After all I'm important enough that when I open my big fat mouth I can lose Marvel another 5,000 readers. So who's the loser now, huh?
Well, I'm thru here. Guell I'll go interfere with Spider-Man some more. Wouldn't it be kewl if MJ got offed by a cloned Ben Parker?
Jemas